Reflecting Jesus’ Love…through conflict resolution

By Judy Monda, Nairobi, Kenya

As a young Christian I had a conflict with a brother in the church, whom I trusted to go pay for me a certain bill. But he decided to use the money for his own personal needs without my consent. I only became aware of it when I was notified that my bill was pending. Since I trusted this “disciple” I was convinced that there had been a mistake somewhere; maybe the payment was made but someone forgot to record it. Later on, however, when I asked the brother about the payment, he told me a litany of lies about how the brothers’ household he was a part of was going through financial challenges and that they were going without food! So he used the money to buy them food.

This story would have made sense if it was not for the fact that most of the members of this household were church staff members. Imagining my money being used to buy food for a group of young, healthy men made me very bitter. I felt preyed upon and taken advantage of by those who were supposed to protect me as a single sister in the church. However, I later discovered that all these were fake stories he had made up. Later, I reported the matter to his family group leader, hoping to get some spiritual help. This step ended up being the proverbial last straw that broke the camel’s back. The leader blamed me for engaging in financial transactions without seeking advice, only to come back and “burden the leaders when things go wrong.” 

To say that I was shocked, disappointed, and disillusioned is an understatement. I decided that I was leaving the church for good because of this issue. Were it not for this one sister I would not be here to share this story. When she heard what I had happened she encouraged me and helped me to see that my salvation was too precious to give away for some money. I am forever grateful that God sent her my way in good time though the conflict was never resolved. Today, I shudder to imagine how many brothers and sisters go through similar situations in our church and are left without any option but to leave our fellowship.  This devotional is aimed at helping us to demonstrate Jesus’ love by becoming peacemakers in the church.

A Biblical Perspective on Conflict

Genesis 4:1-9 tells a story of conflict between the first siblings in the Bible, which arose from jealousy. In the end this conflict ended in bloodshed. First, this demonstrates that conflict has been around since time immemorial. However, if not dealt with well, conflict can be fatal. The rest of Genesis is riddled with many conflicts between close family members; Ismail and Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Leah and Rachel, Joseph and his brothers, to name but a few. In all these cases, conflict threatened to break the family apart. Therefore, it is true that “Where two or three are gathered, there is a conflict waiting to happen.”~ Ken Sande.

Second, in Psalm 133, David expresses how wonderful it is when brothers and sisters live together in unity. He concludes by saying that brotherly unity attracts God’s blessings and eternal life. I have often read this Scripture and only focused on what I need to do but neglected to look at the benefits of unity. God will bless us if we nurture unity in our relationships. Therefore, helping our brothers and sisters resolve their conflicts is an act of love because it opens doors for them to experience God’s blessings and the life that is truly life (1 Tim 6:19). The church operates as one big family, and our relationships are close and interdependent. Therefore, unresolved conflict can wreak havoc in the church if it spreads and can cripple our mission of seeking and saving the lost. Furthermore, conflict also affects how we worship God (see John 4:23). Clearly, conflict resolution in the church is of paramount importance. 

Third, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” (Matt 5:9). Being a peacemaker is a quality commended by Jesus. Peacemakers are called sons of God because they are like God in character; our Lord is also called Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Studies have established that there are three different ways people naturally respond to conflict:

• The first group fight. This group gets aggressive and ends up spoiling whatever little peace was there. They are also called peace destroyers. 
• The second group flees in the face of conflict; they do everything possible to avoid conflict or even to deal with it. They are called peace fakers.
• The last group freezes; they will act like nothing happened. They are also called peacekeepers. None of these responses is a healthy way of resolving conflict. *

Jesus’ Three-Step Method: Matt 18:15-17

Step 1: Go show him his fault, just between the two of you. Jesus taught that the first step of conflict resolution is for two people to meet privately and talk to each other about the issue. As they say, “It takes two to tango,” therefore, just as a conflict takes two to start it will also take the two people to resolve it. Therefore, bringing a third party prematurely into a conflict between two people is unbiblical. This step is also called self-mediation and its goal is to win your brother/sister over, not to establish who is wrong or right.

Step 2: But if he will not listen take one or two others along… Jesus taught that this step only becomes necessary if step one fails. The goal of step two is still to win your brother over and be unified. This step is also called third party mediation. Whoever acts as the mediator must be interested, primarily, in restoring the broken relationship between the two. If done well, this step should help resolve the conflict.

Step 3: …If he refuses to listen to them tell it to the church. This should be the very last resort in any conflict resolution process. In most cases it is unnecessary if steps one and two are done well. This is where church elders may be required to get involved. However, I have witnessed and participated in cases where this was made the first step of conflict resolution. The results were always unpleasant; people were left feeling hurt and unresolved.

Ethics of Peacemakers 

• Respect everyone; remember that they are God’s image bearers
• Uphold confidentiality
• Be impartial/do not take sides
• Listen to both sides (Proverbs 18:17)
• Empathize; conflict is hard
• Facilitate; let the parties decide their own solution

Conclusion

First, we should realize that conflict is normal; yet, if not resolved, it can have devastating effects. Second, we should equip ourselves to deal with conflict in a healthy way, otherwise we end up with broken marriages, broken churches, and broken worship. Finally, we should follow Jesus’ formula of lovingly dealing with conflict in church.

Questions for Reflection

1. What is your natural response to conflict?
2. Is there anyone you need to apologize to? When could you do this? 
3. What else can you put into practice from this devotional?

Today I will

• Think of someone with whom you may be in conflict today. Pray for God’s guidance as you commit to beginning the process of resolving the conflict in a godly way.

Editor’s note: Most sources now include a fourth trauma or stress response: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze-fawn#the-basics) and in the UK it is typical to cite these five trauma or fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, flop, friend (https://www.ptsduk.org/its-so-much-more-than-just-fight-or-flight/).

About the Author

Judith Monda is a Women’s Ministry Leader in the Nairobi Christian Church in Kenya. Judith has a master’s degree in theology and is currently pursuing a PhD in theology. She has been a missionary to Kigali, Rwanda, and Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. She is a Certified Professional Mediator and Certified Trainer of Trainers (ToT). She and her husband, Samson Monda, have two children. Her passions are teaching and training church leaders and peacemaking.